What's awesome about a morning staff meeting? NOTHING. I thought it would be nice, but in reality it was longer and more embarassing than I could ever imagine! Today's biggest participant was my stomach... I'm incredibly shocked at how many people managed to keep a straight face. It was the growl and gurgles heard 'round the world.
I'm just sitting there, mid board table, minding my own business and suddenly... "GRRROOOOWWWL". People are sending me awkward glances. It's as if I farted... And sadly, just as embarrassing. I hadn't eaten this morning because I was queasy from my medicine. You see, in afternoon meetings, my stomach is too busy to make loud noises because it's working on digesting a sandwich containing some sort of poultry. Of course, it is I who neglected to eat the alleged "most important meal" of the day.
Loud gurgles that I can only compare to the sound of water draining from a sink are interrupting speakers. I turn redder than a firetruck and do the guilty "head bow" that one does when you know you are the offender. Sorry but playing it cool wasn't an option given the decibels at which my stomach was protesting the meeting. Are you kidding me, stomach? One would think given the buffet of fat surrounding you, you could go a fricken hour without demanding food. Stomach was hearing none of that. Smirks are being suppressed from the back of the table to the executive front.
I considered my options very seriously for a moment. There's the fake cough, but that would be far too obvious... I tried writing loudly with little scribbles. That just drew attention to my doodles. Hey, I still listen, I just like to doodle. What of it? I took notes on everything as if my writing down that department "X" is "really busy" isn't totally lame. Who the f isn't busy? My seat neighbors were probably thinking, "great notes Captain Obvious".
Eventually I came to the conclusion that sitting in an odd hunchback position would suppress the noise. The idea was to push as much fat around my stomach as I could to stifle the noise. It worked. Sort of. Sitting and leaning at an angle that's too bizarre to be comfortable is a dead giveaway. I also looked like a pregnant woman about to deliver. Score is now Stomach 152, Rachel 0. You'd think after all these losing battles, I would understand that my stomach is the Saints and I am the Vikings... LOL.
Let's see if I manage to keep it together for 3 more hours of workday...