My mom has this dog she picked up from the shelter. Buddy. He’s this crazy, possibly French, a-hole who is all nice to your face but eats your throw pillows in defiance. Somehow, my mother totally adores this dog. So does my sister, at least when she can dress him up as a princess. Buddy loves them too, in a sick stalker-like obsessive manner. Yes, Buddy OWNS them and anyone else willing to visit. Most of the time, I cannot tell if Buddy wants to kiss you or bite your face off. It really seems like that can go either way. Buddy can be the sweetest little puppy, until you cross him. Then you must pay.
Pay for what? According to Buddy, having another dog in the house is grounds for him to straight up pee on mom. And he will. “How dare you bring zees other dog een my howse?” It’s like she personally slapped Buddy in zee face. Imagine my mother’s shock as Buddy hiked up his leg! Very territorial this little French dog is. If you so much as break one of his imaginary rules, it’s over. Your stuff, all your personal belongings, is toast. There’s no amount of fecal matter he won’t roll in to make his point. I assure you, it’s intentional and super gag-tastic.
And Buddy? He doesn’t like you dating either. Lately, his calling card has been to make a poop trail from the hallway to the door so you know you’ve crossed him. Quite literally, CROSSED HIM. My mother, of course, is so terribly embarrassed. Buddy doesn’t like when she has people over of any sort. It’s not his thing. Two people live in that house, no other people should be there. My mother has parties anyway and puts him in another room. Buddy does not take this lying down. It’s on. He will simply void his entire digestive system onto her bed and roll in it. Oh, you put him in zee cage? He will roll around in zee poop in his cage. Have to let him out sometime…
Buddy is always plotting. Sure, today he is happy and cuddly. Tomorrow, he has something very special if a new friend is introduced to zee howse. Buddy wants everyone to know, my mom and my sister, are HIS pets. You can’t be bringing another pet, male, stuffed animal, plastic frog, or fake fur blanket into his world. Don’t even think about ignoring him. Don’t even try to change around the furniture. It’s Buddy’s house, no WORLD, and you just live in it! Crossing Buddy is a scene from Amityville Horror. There’s no amount of “dog whispering” you can do.
Buddy is watching you.