Rachel: Contributing to Social Decline since 1984

St. Patty's Day Shame-a-thon. A drinking game.

So, my favorite blog, Jennsylvania, written by my favorite author had this contest about quirks and secret shames. I totally wanted to enter, but got stuck on what I would enter. So, I thought I would shame it all out on my blog in what I would like to call the St Patty's Day Shame-a-thon. A drinking game.

Here's how it works. I lay out my secret shames and habits and any that you share, you take a shot of your favorite green lager. Woo hoo! Let's get started, shall we?

1. I eat my colored candies by grouping them by color and eating each color seperately. I also tend to obsess over the color ratio. If the colors are distributed proportionally, I feel ripped off.

2. My toilet paper roll has to roll over, not under! I would rather you not put it on the holder at all (Anthony rather enjoys this option) than put it on that dreaded 'under' way.

3. Serial sneezers, people who sneeze 3 or more times in a row, tend to grate on my nerves. Yeah, I know you can't control it, but it still pisses me off. God Bless You! All right?!?! I'm only saying it once.

4. Lambs and Petunia are my stuffed sheep, I still have them, they aren't going anywhere. I'm sure lots of people have something stuffed that isn't going anywhere.

5. I think moms who eat food out of their children's hands are disgusting. Children are little germ incubators. They don't even wipe properly. Sometimes I do gag a little if Seth tries to feed me anything. NO! THANK YOU!

6. I silently mock people who never use the right form of you're or your. Same with effect and affect. If you get paid more than me, sometimes I save it in my online form of a burn book.

7. I may not be thin, but I obsessively count every calorie I eat. I literally will grab my phone and use a calorie counting app or try and estimate the calories by hand.

8. I freak out to no end when my husband or son picks something off the ground. I will squeal and scream and start fishing in my purse for anti-bac. They are dropping that item they picked up immediately or I am drop kicking them. If you hear, "EWWW!!! DROP IT!! DROP IT!!! DROP IT!!!" in a grocery store parking lot, it could be me.

9. I CANNOT buy meat from Wal-mart. Or any perishable at all. It turns my stomach. Something about not wanting to skimp on what I put into my body and my fear that some of the characters in Wal-mart were made that way from the cheap quality foods...

10. I tailgate people who do less than the speed limit. Sorry, but obviously you have no place to go and should have stayed home. In my mind I am saying, "HELLO?!?! SOME OF US HAVE JOBS"?!?!? Out loud? I am screaming at the driver because most of the time there's another loser like him/her in the lane next to me. Brake check me? That's the one system on my car I keep in order. Good luck.

11. I don't poop in public places. Sorry, no. I barely pee in public places. I find public restrooms traumatizing. Why are they always wet? My goal is to get in and get out in 60 seconds. Including washing the hands. Which I both wash and anti-bac.

12. Public door handles... I also hate them as well. Sometimes I find a napkin and use that. Or I use my sleeve. Same with elevator bottons and light switches. I mean, no one ever cleans them!

13. I hate explaining anything to anyone. When my husband says why? I say, "do I REALLY have to explain this to you? REALLY? You REALLY do not get it?" Many times it's condescending enough to shut him up. Why? Because I fricken said so. Google it.

14. Vomit is the worst thing on this planet. End. Of. Story. You want to puke? Fine. Do it no less than 500 feet from me. Also, you losers who get thrashed and puke all over the club, the sidewalk, and the parking garage? You suck.

15. If someone else is controlling the radio in the car, I have to turn it down. I cannot allow someone else to blast music in the car, even if it's a song I like. I get the worst headache.

16. I cannot be in the same room as the television if TMZ is on. Seriously. It's so annoying. "I got random celebrity stuffing their face!!!" It's creepy and turns my stomach.

17. My house must be kept below 70 degrees at all times. I hate heat. I would have no heat at all in the winter if I didn't rent.

There ye go. Drunk yet? 17 secrets for you to attempt to identify with! Didn't get drunk enough? Add your own in the comments section so people can drink to it later!

And... Happy St Patty's Day!

 

How does Britney Spears keep regenerating? Anyone else AMAZED yet?

Let me preface this with stating, I have NO vocal or theatrical talent. I can sing ONE song without my voice cracking.So I have no right to dis, but I will anyway.

Anyway, how does Britney Spears keep regenerating? She's like a fricken alien who can regrow limbs and inflict mind control on the masses! She's had repeated career-ending disaster dramas, and yet, here she is. Newly minted single ready for that #1 spot. And dare I say, I will probably end up liking it.

Really, when she isn't marrying random losers, having kids, gaining and losing weight, getting into fights, being rushed to the hospital, crying, or having wardrobe malfunctions, the woman is churning out one hit after another. It's the ultimate slap in the face to Hollywood and the nation. Britney Spears dares you to challenge her not to have yet another comeback. (which comeback are we on by the way? 35?)

We're talking about a woman who SHAVED HER HEAD after a mental meltdown, then came back with an AWESOME album! Talk about a tortured artist. From television cameos to the red carpet, Britney Spears stays relevant while doing everything possible not to stay relevant. This must defy some natural law, no?

Well, one thing is for sure, every time Britney Spears makes yet another comeback, I feel like a total underachiever. The woman is NOT human.

The question on my mind right now is this: Why can't Lindsay Lohan make a comeback?

 

Stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up.

I'm just venting.. I'll be back to my silly self soon..

Seems to me there's like a .05% chance of it actually happening. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be a business woman. I have no artistic talent, I'm not attractive, and I can't do super genius things. What I am good at involves goal setting, cost cutting, financial projections, and making businesses better when I leave them than when I first arrived. I'm enthusiastic over every penny saved. Over every single inefficiency eliminated with minimal risk. Over every single improved statistic. Yet, I am still stuck in idle. Getting props for being helpful while others gobble up my creativity...

When I ask my son what he wants to be when he grows up, he says he wants to go to space (Star Wars influence) or be a ninja. I tell him, "you can do it!" Even with the knowledge that only the smallest percentage of geniuses can ever make it into space. At least in the past 40 years. I don't ever tell him that with the budget deficit the US is running, they will be hard pressed to have any space program at all. He needs his dreams. Something that propels him to do well in school, to make good choices, and to remember that he has a goal he's working for.

Now that I am all grown up and allowing my son to dream big, I am starting to wonder if dreams are a BS move to get kids to not do drugs and stuff. Really. I feel like Neil Patrick Harris in Glee when he tells the Glee kids they will never achieve their dreams. The problem is, I don't have Mr. Shu to sing "Dream on" with me then give me his part in a community play. Not to mention, I cannot sing or act. Also, NPH makes even being a bitter loser seem so much more awesome. On me, it's another fat person who's cranky... And who hasn't SEEN THAT before?

Waiting to see the wisdom in all this...

Wine, anyone?

I'm out of school but I still believe in snow days!

It's SNOWING! And of course I am at work. While I know it's totally ridiculous to assume I am staying home every time the first flake falls, I still believe in snow days. That's why, amidst all the groans, I still want a couple of "big snows" to give me the fun day of sipping cocoa and making snowballs I so desperately need. I don't like seasons without precipitation. I just don't. Nothing sucks more than sunny, cold days mocking you and your migraines on a daily basis. So, while living it up here is SnowTown USA, I'm stuck at work pretty much until 6pm.. Here's the extent of my enjoyment:

 

Happy Snow Day people. C'mon kids, let's all wish for some snowstorms!

Naughty me versus nice me... Being nicer is really hard.

So I am wondering if I should be nicer person. Was thinking that since I want to be nicer, the best way to tell if I am improving is to track how often I am mean Rachel versus how often I am nice Rachel... It's not going well. I literally am keeping score.

Cut off BMW in traffic because he refused to let me in a half mile earlier... -1

Didn't bother to hold door for someone behind me. -1

Was nice to Staples Customer Service. +1

Didn't curse out customer service rep for repeatedly trying to sell me wrong product. +0 (I mean that probably doesn't count...Right?)

Asked Customer Service rep was she going for a record on how many times she could transfer me... -2

Said I was kidding... +0.5 (a little effort.)

Talked nicely to someone who irritates my soul.. More than once. +3

Complained about said person... -1

Complained about another person... -1

Rolled eyes about both people... -1 (it was ONE eyeroll)

Complimented two people. +2

Read celebrity gossip and got all judgmental. -5

So far today... -5.5.

I don't know if I can make up for the deficit by complimenting my stuffed sheep... But I will try.

Being nice? Really, really hard.

 

PS: Taking a sideways glance out the window... Because it's raining and it makes me sleepy. I'm a pillow shy of making my desk a napping hot spot.

And finally... We find a home.

After much agonizing, explaining, and bargaining, we are set to move into our first apartment together in the Washington DC area. I'm thrilled as can be because now we know what our bills will look like most months and can relax a bit. No more spending outrageous amounts of money on gas. We're close to my job and Anthony can transfer closer to where we'll live.

Now? The issue is how to furnish it. I'm determined to Craigslist, Thrift shop, and dumpster dive for the best bargains I can find. All we have is a bed and ottoman, which are nice, but will likely not fill a nearly 1,000 sq ft apartment. So I sent an email to some thrift store savvy friends and family. I am not sure how they will respond to this:

Hi, looking for cheap furniture that needs a little TLC but not built badly. No fabric... Holy Bedbug Batman, I don't want any used fabric furnishings... Everything must be narrow or able to be taken apart because my new place is -->  <--- narrow in places. It's an antique house, so don't judge. Craigslist not working out. Some idiot wanted $300 for a 1980's (ugly) oak dining room set and then I got frustrated and logged off. I mean really, it's a plain ugly set that was in about every John Hughes movie and I am offended that only the head of the table gets arm rests for their chair.

 
 Really, Craigslist? Shouldn't we have a screening for this type of stuff? The correct category would be "free".

So, yeah. We'll see how many bees I get with that honey.

Peyton Manning. Coach, blocker, rusher... Oh yeah, he's quarterback too.

 

Peyton Manning is awesome. Except he could have given me another 30 or so yards so I won fantasy last night. I guess I didn't count on the Texans sucking so hard. Regardless, Peyton Manning is going to make us say Brett who? This man is a legend in the making. Barring (knock on wood) an injury or something awful, Peyton Manning will step up and be one of the defining quarterbacks of my generation. Was it not hilarious to see Peyton block and rush? How about him shifting people around the field like he's a fricken chess player.

Last night, Peyton Manning knew how to move that ailing O-line, called the shots, and used weapons like Tamme (who set career records). Peyton turns second string O-Lineman into superstars. While his brother Eli Manning is also a great QB, Eli is in no way comparable to Peyton. Sure Peyton has some years on Eli, but Peyton has been demonstrating for a long time why he was drafted. Although, Myke reminded me today that Peyton did kind of suck when he first started out, but everyone pretty much does. The NFL is a whole new ball game (no pun intended). Peyton will go down in history as the QB who ran his team.

Can every QB run his team? No. Not by a long shot. But a QB who should run his team more... Wait for it... Tony Romo. Between all the rhetoric on Tony Romo, you find the man is skilled. Dallas offense has a lot of potential but is somewhat ruined by crappy coaches with their stupid plays. (How hard is it to use your TE, WR, and RB in the way they are talented?) Tony Romo needs to take a lesson from Peyton Manning. Run your own O-line. Peyton Manning decides the plays, decides whether to go for it or not on 4th down, and decides how to use his weapons. Tony Romo, mostly, does not. Which is a shame. Because Tony Romo, is creative, smart, and skilled. However, a QB who could use a little offensive coaching... Phillip Rivers. Use Patrick Crayton! Hello? TE dependence is bad.

Peyton Manning has set a new football standard, where the players make it happen. Because in the end, that's who matters on the field. The players.

Also, Peyton Manning is the hotter Manning. FYI.

IT Company... FACEPALM! Attention to detail matters.

 

Just after the campaign fail... I get another fail. This invoice from a local IT company. I know it's the local IT company because the return envelope gave it away. You see, as an IT company, everything tech will reflect on you. Especially your in-house generated invoices. So... Pay attention to detail.

Great, now Redskins fans will never shut up! Sorrow in Washington.

 
EVERYBODY in the NFC East except ONE team got a win this week. Of course, all fans of every other team (except the cowboys) are gloating. Why? The Cowboys have pretty extreme emotions attached to them. Either you ♥ them or you despise them and call them the Cowgirls (which is just SO original). The Cowboys have 3 losses now hanging over their heads.

This week was so terribly annoying, I almost don't care to discuss it. Lost at fantasy football... My team (Cowboys) lost...

Which is ODD because of these facts:

The Cowboys are LOADED with talent. Felix Jones, Miles Austin, Marion Barber, Jason Witten, Dez Bryant, and on and on.

I have the #1 WR in the NFL right now in my fantasy. Still lost by 11 points.

I have TWO top five QB's. Still lost this week.

I have a top 5 Defense.

WTF?!?!?!

As if I wasn't loaded with talent, my friend Myke is too. And he lost! He has more talent than I do on his team. (Top 5 QB, Top 10 Def, #1 (#2?) RB, REGGIE FRICKEN WAYNE!)

What is going on 2010?

As if that all wasn't bad enough... The Redskins fans will never shut up after beating Green Bay in overtime. Forget that McNabb only was able to complete about half of his passing attempts, that only one touchdown was scored by Washington, because they still won. Redskins fans take that W and decide that they have the best team in the NFL. That's pretty much how it goes around DC each win. It takes a really sad loss (to the Rams for example) to at least give them some sort of reality. Yes, yes, the Cowboys are overhyped too.

But at least we have the stats to back up the hype. (Just check out the fantasy points)

Week 6 pits the Cowboys against the Vikings. Tough game.

It also pits the Redskins against the Colts. Who just won against the previously undefeated Chiefs... Who had a pretty rocking defense to boot.

So, live it up Redskins fans. You got your W.

Can't wait for the Skins to get their reality check with their next (L). Then they'll wish their biggest issue was "stupid football".

Any Given Sunday. NFL week 4 bucking predictions and screwing up fantasy football leagues.

I just wanted to put it out there, these past couple of weeks, the NFL has been bucking the laws of nature. Here are a few WTF games I witnessed recently that has me waiting until most of the bye week rounds are over to make my Super Bowl predictions.

Week One -

Detriot Lions v Chicago Bears; Wasington Redskins v Dallas Cowboys; Kansas City Chiefs v San Diego Chargers

Week one was a nauseating rollercoaster. From the bullshit call on the Lions to the Cowboys losing against themselves, it was pretty crazy. The craziest moment? When the Kansas City Chiefs owned the San Diego Chargers. That was totally out of left field. Week One sent fantasy teams into total chaos.

Week Two -

The teams from Week 1, cool off...

All I can say is, in week 2, most of the underdog teams who prevailed lost a bit of steam.

Week Three -

The St Louis Rams defeat the Washington Redskins... Pretty insulting, eh? About as insulting and odd as the Chargers losing to... the Seahawks? Are you fantasy team owners crying? I hear ya.

Week Four -

Even more confusing, after losing to the RAMS, the Reskins hand an L to the Eagles and the Colts fall to... The Jags? I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Predictions for Week 5? The Eagles fall to the 49ers?

I dunno. Somehow my fantasy team is doing well.