Rachel: Contributing to Social Decline since 1984

Anthony's job hunt and the worst job ads ever.

Today has been productive. But at the same time, I feel sluggish and lazy. I'm totally struggling to figure out what I need to accomplish (big surprise) since half my life (anthony) is still at work. Again. I cannot tell you how sick the poor guy is of working 7 days a week, but I can tell you I am reaching critical mass fed up. In a rare, unself-centered way, I really deeply want Anthony to find that relief. Again, this is a rare feeling for me. I'm certainly grade A selfish at times.

But honestly, he can't just take any job. I mean, what does that solve? Go from one stupid job to another? In the process of ensuring we don't step backwards, I've been vetting out the right places worthy of his job application. This is a process like none other. You see, I always took the temp agency way out. Because that's how I roll. Anthony's different though. He thinks things out in a way I don't. I just assume I'm going to be my oddly energetic yet abbrasive self anywhere. Anthony actually wants a job that appreciates his specific personality types. So, as his personal assistant who seeks out possible positions, this has been an enraging process. Here are some of the job ads that sent me running because they make no sense to me.

Job Title: Motor Vehicle Operator

I know what this job title means... but it struck me as odd since most adults are motor vehicle operators and yet there's no paycheck associated with that! And yes, at first I was mad that I wasn't getting paid for the time I spend driving.

Title: Game day Ticket Seller
Status: Part Time

Primarily responsible for the processing of single ticket sales and distribution of Will Call tickets to patrons of Park. Often the first team representative to greet fans, ticket sellers must possess superior customer service skills in order to provide a positive first impression to patrons entering Park. 

Um, wow. Ticket Seller? That title sounds like a 4 year old made it up. Something they would assume the cashier at the movies is called. "Mommy, we need to visit the Ticket Seller". Yeah. That stupid. A pathetic attempt to mask a pathetic job.

Anyway, confronted with vague, ultra specific, and conflicting job descriptions, I am calling it a day for now. Anthony can have his personal assistant back after I have a visit with Dr Jack and Professor Daniels. Whew.

Moving into my new old apartment is the perfect time to get really uber sick.

 
"Welcome to my place... It needs paint, another cleaning, some art on the walls, better lighting... so, don't judge. Kay?" 

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think I am pretty ill. While moving our stuff into our new/old apartment (it's like 100 years old), I had a pretty severe asthma attack and I think I have what's commonly referred to as a fever right now. Something is definitely up. I mean sure, I did wear short sleeves and flip flops on a below freezing night to move 2 different loads of crap to our new place... But that doesn't make you sick, germs make you sick! Right?

Wrong. About nine boxes into the "single-box-on-the-flight-of-stairs" shuffle, I started wheezing like I had been smoking for the last ten years. That resulted in me working faster so I wouldn't have to wheeze all night. Taking shortcuts like putting everything into the kitchen, sitting on the chaise in the living room for five minute periods, and acting weak in front of the macho husband only got me so far. Still, I wheezed and wheezed. Around 1:30AM or so, the wheezing was so bad that I decided maybe I should get a "rescue inhaler" from CVS. My wonderful husband, who apparently wants me to LIVE, rushed me down the street to purchase my $20 life-saving device...

Which, by the way, is being discontinued for CFC's in 2011!!! I'm sorry, when did my immediate need to breathe take a backseat to the EPA? Um, hello? We inhale the CFC's! Surely, we could ask countries who still use the CFC stuff to stop before we cut off asthmatics, right?

-Anyway, on the upside, the crap is transferred and I am ready to commence breathing.

On the downside, I may or may not have asthma, I have a suspicious fever, and I feel kind of like crap. Oh yeah, and there was no hot water this morning. And, I may or may not be in life-threatening danger.

But we're moved in. (Hooray)

Companies won't hire obese workers? My skinny on the fat discrimination movement.

 

So I was reading today that a movement for companies to stop hiring obese people might be on the horizon. Based on the success of the anti-smoking movement and how companies are refusing to hire smokers as a way to cut costs, people are speculating that an "Obese Hiring Freeze" is next.

Oh really?

Funny, considering some people at desk jobs wouldn't be obese if they weren't chained to their desks. I would love to work on a more flexible schedule, eat more meals at home, and have more time to be healthy. You know what? Obviously that is NOT a priority for our employers. My husband and I both work long hours, commute, and end up eating away from home more than 75% of the week. I wish it were not that way. I certainly prefer a home cooked meal. What happens when my desk job is making me fat? I certainly can't just "find a job that doesn't". That's not realistic.

Employers and schools, I theorize are the biggest offenders of the obesity epidemic. It's not just calories, folks. Sitting on our butts all day long makes us fat. We need to walk more, exercise, get up and go, and I truly believe that is the difference. I don't eat all that bad, but I also don't move all that much. My job is 90% desk and 10% movement. My commute is 100% car (of course, that is changing soon - yay). Maybe if everything we did wasn't sitting down and not moving for hours, the obesity rates would plummet. What genius sits and debates which veggies to serve at school lunches and totally ignores the children SITTING for 6 hours a day? (Then another 2-3 a night on homework)

Instead of fat bashing, because you KNOW that's what this is, people should get off their high horses and look at real solutions. Getting people out and about. Promoting movement. Company gyms, activities, more walk-to meetings, standing work stations, etc would all improve the bottom line and bottoms of most companies with obese workers. You know the job that has a ton of obesity (like more than average)? IT. Why? Because they sit behind a computer all day.

I'm so sick of people fat bashing me and women like me when I likely am healthier or as healthy as many of my office co-workers! This isn't about health, it's about my fat butt. You don't like my fat butt? Don't look! You want to get on my case about my weight? Stay out of my obesity before you get punched.

Get over yourselves, skinny bitches.

How to Survive Black Friday Shopping and Still get Deals.

 

I've taken the early morning, wait-in-line-for-hours-wearing-Depends plunge once. And based on that experience, I consider myself an expert. I have also been a retail employee for Black Friday... Once. Again, this does make me an expert. Here's your survival guide for Black Friday guaranteed to get you deals and in some cases, guaranteed to create a dignity deficit in your life. You can approach Black Friday one of three ways:

The Black Friday Ninja Warrior of Doom - 98% Chance of Survival

The BFNWoD is an expert at getting that golden cow of Black Friday deals. You know, the laptop for $50 or the 40" TV for $100? To achieve this status and accomplish the goal of grabbing deals so unreal the items are limited by 2 for the region, you need to prepare as follows.

Park your tent and sleeping bags outside the store of choice on Wednesday. Choose wisely because all your best "booty" will come from this store. Turkey dinner, if you are so weak that you need one, will have to be delivered by a trusted family member.

Better stock up on depends. Giving up a place in line to use the bathroom is a classic rookie mistake. If you are a coward, you may try tag teaming another family member for bathroom breaks. Careful, technically you aren't in line if someone else "holds your place". This could lead to a riot.

Nothing short of full body armor will do. Stampedes are common for the best deals and what good does a broken arm do you when you need both arms to push people aside? Hockey masks, football pads, sports cups are all mandatory. Feel stupid? Your junk won't!

The Power Mom "Manipulation Master" - 85% Chance of Survival

True Power Moms know how to Manipulate. They come in with a game plan, an argument prepared, and will annoy anyone who stands in their way. In order to pull this off, you have to be ready to go all Sarah Palin on sales associates. No, that does not mean shoot them from a helicopter! That means accent and all, you know that fine print.

You still need to line up early in the AM, but you know better. Just 3-4 hours before the store opens and avoid fluids for 8 hours prior. You'll use the potty before you leave the house and wear the forgiving leggings and sweater rather than the usual mom jeans. Handwritten list and sales ad in hand, you know what to pick up for everyone in your family.

You'll visit several stores today and have memorized minimum stock, rebates, door busters, and hourly sales. Item substitutions, rain checks and the "let me speak to your manager" weapons are all ready for deployment. Your no nonsense eighties up-do reflects your "take no prisoners" attitude. Your day will end around 8pm after the last special sale ends. You'll have knocked out everyone on your list, started a fight with a few managers, and spent $5,000 before the day is through.

Be rude to every other shopper. Remember, they are the competition and whose family matters nearly as much as yours? Jacob is getting his XBox, you don't give a flying cupcake who has cancer.

The Rachel Strategy - 99.999999% Chance of Survival

This is the best strategy to date. You can still shop Black Friday, but it's the best possible outcome for your wallet and health. Masters of this plan must possess a strong sense of logic and understand economics. Also, it doesn't hurt to be adorable, talk too much, or think you're better than the chumps suckered into Black Friday.

You're interested enough to get black friday deals. At about 5am, open several internet windows, rapidly purchase your items, and have them shipped to a location you will be throughout the following week. Whatever you miss, you'll get Cyber Monday. Then you put your laptop down and roll over back to sleep until around 11am.

When you wake, waffles sound great so you and the fam eat some delicious waffles and drink hot chocolate. Your kids suggest putting chocolate ice cream on the waffles and it sounds fantastic. Once the kids are on their sugar high, send them outside to romp while you stretch out on the couch to watch holiday specials in your super cute Kermit slippers.

Around 6 or 7 (PM), decide to go out "shopping" but in reality it would be entertaining to laugh at people who are exhausted after a day of torture. You chuckle, because you know how useless that all is. You saved money, you stayed home, and UPS is literally doing all the heavy lifting. Sure, you didn't get that $200 television. That's because it was an off brand and in a few weeks, you can go to Best Buy and talk them down on an open-box 55" LED. Plus, they usually throw in the warranty.

...

As you can see, there are many options.

Obviously mine is superior.

Naughty me versus nice me... Being nicer is really hard.

So I am wondering if I should be nicer person. Was thinking that since I want to be nicer, the best way to tell if I am improving is to track how often I am mean Rachel versus how often I am nice Rachel... It's not going well. I literally am keeping score.

Cut off BMW in traffic because he refused to let me in a half mile earlier... -1

Didn't bother to hold door for someone behind me. -1

Was nice to Staples Customer Service. +1

Didn't curse out customer service rep for repeatedly trying to sell me wrong product. +0 (I mean that probably doesn't count...Right?)

Asked Customer Service rep was she going for a record on how many times she could transfer me... -2

Said I was kidding... +0.5 (a little effort.)

Talked nicely to someone who irritates my soul.. More than once. +3

Complained about said person... -1

Complained about another person... -1

Rolled eyes about both people... -1 (it was ONE eyeroll)

Complimented two people. +2

Read celebrity gossip and got all judgmental. -5

So far today... -5.5.

I don't know if I can make up for the deficit by complimenting my stuffed sheep... But I will try.

Being nice? Really, really hard.

 

PS: Taking a sideways glance out the window... Because it's raining and it makes me sleepy. I'm a pillow shy of making my desk a napping hot spot.

CraigsList is true entertainment. As a resource? Hit or MISS (or RAPIST)!

 
So, I am looking for part time writing work. You know, the old, "trying to cash in on what you love" tactic. I went against my usual advice and hopped onto Craigslist. Because I am just asking for it... Really, I am. Who really gets a good, part time writing gig from Craigslist and actually gets paid for it? Exactly. (But, I did find some excellent leads I can contribute to that might benefit me in the future. Exposure, Exposure, Exposure)

After looking through your basic "scam" ads that you can "work from home making $10,000 a month", I found something quite entertaining. Here's the advertisement.

Just signed up on a dating site but I don't have the resources to invest a lot of energy into writing girls. The 'virtual flirting' is a fine art. Can you get results? I want to hire someone who can be my assistant in getting responses from select girls. I can take it from there. I'm an attractive 29 year old entrepreneur with a very intense lifestyle. I have no issues getting dates, approaching girls, making friends, or keeping someone interested; I am not a social retard... I just lack the resources to actively pursue and date.

The ideal situation is one where you are working a few hours a week and setting up 3-5 dates a week. I can pay per introduction, but we can discuss compensation. Write me about yourself and why you think you'd be a good fit. I will give you access to my profile and you can initiate contact with girls that meet my criteria.

I am also in need of a personal assistant that can help me book my travels and plan my life. If you excel at this position there may be some stuff down the road :)

Oh yes, he did. Why is it "RAPIST" was the first thing that popped into my head? Clearly, this is a joke or the worst ad ever. Because I am nice, I offered some advice.

Okay so I laughed a little about this one. If this isn’t a joke, you need to better format your ad. Right now, telling people you are going to allow them access to your profile, is BAD. You’ll get psychos..Or you are one. Also, telling the person you’re a hot 29 year old who is an “entrepreneur” screams, “this is a personal ad”! (It also screams you are a broke, ugly dude, possibly a rapist) Also, if you want true quality in the personality and intelligence categories, you cannot open with your hotness/money. Only the cheap trashy ones fall for that. AND…. They are usually crazy. I write. I’m good at any writing. I can draw people in on the most boring of topics (yours included). So as a courtesy, I re-wrote your craigslist ad:

"Busy, professional male requires writer to eloquently convey personality traits and screen potential dates on a personal dating site. Need someone who is a good judge of character and a talented writer. You need to be able to accurately write “as me” and set up meetings with qualified candidates. While I can very easily do this myself, the time commitment and screening process is too much for me to juggle with my demanding career. Also, would consider a freelance administrative assistant in the future to plan travel, work on important documents and provide organizational services. Please keep that in mind as a possible future task, if you are interested."

That doesn’t sound like a joke or like you want to stalk and rape someone.

You’re welcome.

Rachel

Of course I knew that he:

A) Probably won't pay someone to do this.

B) Is probably a dumb, broke guy using this to score a date.

C) Possibly is a rapist looking to meet up with someone.

I was validated GREATLY when I received this in response:

Thanks for re-writing my post. Send me your resume and a headshot if you have one :)

HELL NO. But it's nice to be right, rapist.

HOME ALONE 26: Rachel, am I going to regret going to work today? (Yup)

Anytime I have a day off and Anthony is at work, there's great concern. What is Rachel going to get into? Everyone seems soooo interested in what I am doing (probably for fear of property damage). Sure, there's a chance I might kidnap a squirrel and dress him in tiny armor, but I would call that a slight risk (big risk) at best. Leaving me at home with any sort of chocolate is likely a horrible idea, even worse if I have a lot of TV gluttony stored on my DVR. Adding sugar to my shenanigans usually results in me dyeing frosting red and making a "bloody eyeball cake". Or worse. When I am Home Alone, productivity is replaced with bizarre things I always wanted to do as a kid but wasn't allowed.

I am proud to state that I have been very well behaved today (even though it's a lie). Took out the trash. Hung out with my sheep and watched some SNL on Hulu. Also came up with own skit involving crazy neighbor impersonation. Was ideally behaved (ideal meaning WEIRD) and nothing unusual (I plead: OPPOSITE DAY!) at all about today:

The beer? So not mine! Marshmallows? Well, those are obviously the sheep's vice. I'm telling you, I was not involved with any of that madness at all (i was). I took out the trash (The beer bottles)! And, I didn't lay around the house *all* day today. I promise. Instead, I gave nature the front seat to my day:

Sir Nuts the Squirrel. I might take his dignity... but I'll never take... HIS FREEDOMM!!! Frankly, after week 5 of football, I think several teams could learn something from Sir Nuts. He's a brave soldier from the Roman era... He goes into battle boldly (and unwillingly because getting a good shot of him was really hard). What might have happened if the Dallas Cowboys were more like Sir Nuts? I'll tell you, they'd be really fast and camera shy. Probably winning them the game but making for a difficult highlight reel.

I must say, Sir Nuts truly did not understand the value of body armor today. It was up to me to persuade him. Fully expecting Peta to come running with pitchforks and what not...

Finally, Sir Nuts and I came to terms today. He realized I would not back down from getting my photo... And I found entertainment by going to Taco Bell and giving the day shift the business.

"You don't have unsweetened Iced Tea? Do you have anything that DOESN'T taste like sugar??"

"WTF, LADY! Diet soda still tastes like sugar! You trying to give me cancer you terrorist?!??!"

"I came here for fats and salts, not sugar. I'm totally okay with consuming an entire days worth of calories but don't you dare ask me to drink soda!"

I probably should get up and do something productive while Anthony is still at work. So to avoid the lecture that will undoubtedly follow and be well deserved. FYI, Rachel's day off is a lot lazier than Ferris'. There are no sports car drives to downtown Chicago but have no fear... A wild ride to Burke Taco Bell in a Dodge Neon is WAY cooler, right?

 

 

Car Salesmen. Decipher the profit code. (Part 2 of Mazda 3 Saga)

Car salesmen (sales people for the politically correct) have a code. A language, if you will, that they speak when trying to get you to purchase your new car. This is incredibly hard for the average honest American to decipher because the best in us wants to believe car salesmen want the best FOR us. Especially women. That sleazy deal Brown's Mazda made with that nice woman really upset me. If only she had a friend like me. I would have fought for her. In a job that's nearly entirely commission, what's best for you is kind of thrown out the window. Here's a scenario with some similarities based on my recent experience. Except in this scenario, everyone's been injected with truth serum.

****

Average Jane: Hi, I would like to look at the Mazda 3, perhaps test drive it. I already know I will probably end up buying it because it's better than what I have now.

Salesman: Jane, I am glad to hear that. Since you are a woman, I feel I have an added advantage in selling you a car. While many women know a lot about cars, I still feel the odds are in my favor when young women show up alone.  

Average Jane: Yeah, I know very little about cars. But because more and more women do know these days, I am going to nod appropriately to make you think I am one of those women.

Salesman: I now know I need to validate your car "knowledge". What model and engine you prefer?

Average Jane: Naturally I am going to want the model with convenience features. I am also going to request the engine that sounds best to make it seem as if I know what I am talking about. In addition to that, I am bringing a print out of the mid-range model so I can request something nice but cost efficient.

Salesman: Jane, you will test drive the Grand Touring model. This is part of an emotional manipulation technique I use. It has all the features possible and gives me the most commission potential. It's the top of the line, not the mid-level. Once you drive it, you won't want to settle for less.

Average Jane: I like the Grand Touring very much. It drives nicely and the Blue-tooth feature is very cool. Now I want to talk turkey so what are you going to give me for my trade?

Salesman: Oh, I see you have a Trailblazer. Since it's a domestic vehicle, I am going to make it seem like a cheap piece of junk and offer you an outrageously low trade in. You of course will counter maybe once or twice and that low offer I gave you will set the bar for my profit on your trade.

Average Jane: My car isn't worth more? Kelly Blue Book gave me more than double your amount as an estimate! I'm concerned that what I get isn't going to be enough to get me my new car.

Salesman: I'm going to deny that Kelly Blue Book is legitimate. I'll cite reasons Kelly Blue Book doesn't apply to you. I'll tell you every flaw about your car that we appraised while you were on the test drive. Like that scratch! Or the fender bender you had in August, because no one will purchase a car with a ding on the Carfax! Plus, I can always claim there isn't a market for your vehicle here. It doesn't matter that I am completely lying to you because my goal is to make you feel like you need to trade your vehicle in now so it doesn't lose more value. My goal is to make as much profit off that trade as possible.

Average Jane: I'm going to accept a much lower trade-in offer than what nearly every website I looked at recommended. This is because you've made me feel bad for wanting more for my trade and made me panic about depreciation.

Salesman: Great, because any more resistance, and I would have stopped working with you. After all, my time should only be spent dealing with serious buyers who are going to get me as much profit for this sale as possible.

Average Jane: Okay, so how much for the Grand Touring I test drove? I hope I can negotiate it lower so I feel like I am getting a deal.

Salesman: Negotiate all you like, I am getting what I plan to get from this deal and will manipulate the sale completely. You will feel you are getting a deal, but you aren't. The Grand Touring is too much for you to afford but rather than use BIG numbers like the price, what monthly payment are you looking for?

Average Jane: This seems good. I can think about how much money I have to spend each month on the car. I feel more comfortable now. I will give up what I spend currently because I realistically can only afford maybe $50 more than that each month.

Salesman: The Grand Touring is going to be $600 per month, which is $200 out of your price range. I can now offer you the sport model with no power locks for $100 over your price range. You, of course, will hate the sport model because you drove the Grand Touring.

Average Jane: Hmmm. That's a little high, I was hoping to spend less. Plus, I really do like the Grand Touring. It really is $600 per month?

Salesman: Ah yes, I knew you would like the better model. By offering you the stripped down model, I see that you might be willing to break your budget for the better one. Since I offered you an outrageously inflated $600 figure, I can drop you down and you will feel like you are getting a deal. I think we can help you get the Grand Touring for a still inflated $500 per month. Would you like that?

Average Jane: Gosh, I was really hoping that I would spend $450 MAX. I mean that $450 really pushes it. Also, the Sport model isn't as cool as the Grand Touring, or as cool sounding. Is that the best your dealership can do for the Grand Touring? I do feel like you are trying to give me a deal.

Salesman: Let me leave you for a really long time and tell you I am talking to my manager about it. I will actually come back with my final number that still serves me a large commission and will still be ripping you off. I'll just be having a Coke and making you sweat.

**30 minutes later**

Salesman: I want you to think that was tough but it wasn't. In fact, using the intercom feature on my phone, I listened to your conversation with your friend on how you could stretch your budget to buy this car. Knowing how much you will do to get this car, I am confident you will accept any financing we throw at you and the final monthly payment of $475. You won't even notice all the fees and accessories packages we tack on or that we put you on a six year loan.

Average Jane: I am so happy that I get a better price than $600 per month. I feel I am getting a bargain. Which will wear off once I start making the payments and eating Ramen noodles twice a month instead of real food. It doesn't matter that I haven't thought out how much more my insurance will charge me, you made me feel like I negotiated a lower price.

Salesman: I'm glad. Because if your friends are like you, I want their business.

****

Seem exaggerated? Read Confessions of a Car Salesman from an Edmunds.com writer. It's really close to what really goes on.

Consider yourself warned.

You're welcome.

The entire reason the guy at Brown's didn't even let me test drive the car was because he knew any deal he made would be slim on the commission and that wasn't something worth wasting his time on. At the end of the day, he sold one less car. And I? Kept my dignity and my money.

 
Sitting in my Neon is totally fine for me right now!

Going to Austin for the 30th Anniversary Whole Foods Celebration...

 (source)

Guess what happens this weekend? Other than Sunday football and a Kohl's sale (for Kohl's a sale is a constant, they'd probably get more traffic if they annouced a price inflation day)... I'm going to Austin. Tomorrow evening I will be arriving in Austin for a completely new experience. Whole Food's 30th birthday bash! Am I psyched? Heck yes I am! Even though my husband got the credit, the entry pretty much has a lot of 'me' invested in it. However, without him, the idea behind the entry wouldn't exist. So teamwork prevails in our case, yet again. (We ARE the couple you hate!)

Since our entry is posted on Whole Food's blog, I figured I ought to post it on mine too! Here's our winning entry excerpt, I am guessing it's okay to post since I linked the source. Remember, once submitted, essays become the property of the company who is running the sweepstakes.

From Anthony in Fairfax, VA
Honey, we’re going grocery shopping. Words many husbands dread, no? Well, I dreaded them myself until my wife discovered Whole Foods. I’ll admit it – most manly men like myself are a little late on the organic-green-healthy scene. Whole Foods has educated me that organic and healthy are really code words for delicious. Who knew fresh foods that aren’t loaded with fillers and chemicals could be so TASTY?

Since the post belongs to Whole Foods, please click on the blog linked above to read it in it's entirety. Anthony is listed first! (Because we're the best one, naturally)

You know, it feels really good to win something. When Anthony and I got together, we knew we were a winning team, but that was more of "winning at life". Or a way to make us feel good about getting a justice of peace wedding and inviting no one to it. To be honest, I never pictured myself as someone who won creative contests. This has inspired the both of us to expand our horizons and stop watching so much primetime television. (Although it IS addictive)

This means actually LIVING life and not sitting on the sidelines. Sometimes people can get so caught up with daily routines that they forget to live life to it's fullest. I know I am guilty of it. Rather than come up with a "bucket list" because I find that so terribly morbid, I think I am interested in coming up with an "Adventure List".

Now all I need are things to fill it with.

Suggestions welcome.

 

Is "Culturing Up" the new black? It is for me. (Also a last resort to make friends)

Image from Barnes and Noble.com. Book available in eBookas well if you have a Nook like I do!

If you haven't read "My Fair Lazy" by Jen Lancaster, you really need to. In fact, please add all of her books to your reading list and give me no lip about it. Lately, I have been getting out more. I would like to credit Jen Lancaster (and her "culture up manifesto") but I can't (completely). I've been trying to add to my experiences more and more for a few months now.  I took a work trip and realized that's the most "experience" I have had for years and it was mostly me in an exhibit hall office with a walkie-talkie. By the way, hearing walkie talkie jargon still sends me diving under tables into the fetal position. I never knew what a production annual meetings could be. Also, meetings manager, if you are reading this, please please please make me in charge of the office again! A little PTSD won't deter me from doing it again...

Anyway, turning 26 has flipped some sort of switch in my brain that I need to get to experiencing life because being an expert in Crayola products isn't something people over the age of 9 care about. To my defense, I am enriching my 6 year old's life greatly with my extensive love for all things colorful and furry. Despite this great knowledge, I think people are starting to look at me like, "hey, you're no spring chicken anymore, grow up already". Whereas just last year they were all like, "You're young and have all the time in the world.." It's a bit depressing if not outright confusing that people have pulled a 180 on me in the span of about 8 months. Even my dad is all like, "have you read the classics yet?" I have Angel at work throwing reading lists at me and go figure... Hawkins has read at least 50% of the required reading to be "literary and intellectual" list. Hawkins is so epicurean sometimes. I think it's some recommended reading for all young people, college students, etc... But seriously? My school did Moby Dick, Three Musketeers, and Midsummer's night. That's it. And we all got the Cliffs-notes like any sane high-schooler because it was so much cooler to hang out at Fair Oaks mall.

Now my adult coolness is at stake. No one is going to take me seriously if I have no idea what metaphors they are referencing. And aside from the college set, I find that 26-35 year olds LOVE to reference metaphors. It's annoying. Even though you're an adult and technically there won't be a test on what you just learned, actually there will be a test in the form of people deciding whether you are "friend" material. Discussing your son's ability to dive head first from your sofa without resulting in brain damage doesn't fly most of the time. I already lose massive points for my love of all things Texas. (Really though, football and four pound steaks, how cool is that? Whatever. Stop Hatin'.)

Unlike Jen Lancaster, I have no addiction to reality TV. I wish that was my issue. No, my addiction is to being indifferent. Just watching whatever on TV, ordering take out (hey we still don't have a dishwasher and no dishwasher means no home cookin'), and doing laundry. Throw in the occasional scrap-booking and there you have it. My boring ass life. So, thank you, Jen Lancaster, work, and the people who've rejected my friendship because I am a trucker hat and Marlboro pack short of white trash. I'm actually going to get out and do stuff probably starting with my trip to Atlanta (hey, they have culture and SWEET TEA). Also, I am even thinking of getting tickets toShen Yun. So there. Be my friend already so we can have cocktails at Cafe Salsa and dish. And thank you, work friends, for already being those people I can have a happy hour with.

Read "My Fair Lazy", it really IS good. Even if you are already epicurean. This post, I admit, had far too many commas, wasn't a clear book review or whatever, and may only be interesting to my mom. I apologize... Feel free to add hate comments.

PS: Jen Lancaster's next book (I think) has to do with charity and what not. Which is good because that's something I already have done and enjoyed. So, I look forward to being able to relate to Jen again. Because while MFL was hilarious and fun, I have no idea why anyone would eat stinky cheese.

Stinky Cheese man available at Amazon.com, linked above.