Rachel: Contributing to Social Decline since 1984

Anthony's job hunt and the worst job ads ever.

Today has been productive. But at the same time, I feel sluggish and lazy. I'm totally struggling to figure out what I need to accomplish (big surprise) since half my life (anthony) is still at work. Again. I cannot tell you how sick the poor guy is of working 7 days a week, but I can tell you I am reaching critical mass fed up. In a rare, unself-centered way, I really deeply want Anthony to find that relief. Again, this is a rare feeling for me. I'm certainly grade A selfish at times.

But honestly, he can't just take any job. I mean, what does that solve? Go from one stupid job to another? In the process of ensuring we don't step backwards, I've been vetting out the right places worthy of his job application. This is a process like none other. You see, I always took the temp agency way out. Because that's how I roll. Anthony's different though. He thinks things out in a way I don't. I just assume I'm going to be my oddly energetic yet abbrasive self anywhere. Anthony actually wants a job that appreciates his specific personality types. So, as his personal assistant who seeks out possible positions, this has been an enraging process. Here are some of the job ads that sent me running because they make no sense to me.

Job Title: Motor Vehicle Operator

I know what this job title means... but it struck me as odd since most adults are motor vehicle operators and yet there's no paycheck associated with that! And yes, at first I was mad that I wasn't getting paid for the time I spend driving.

Title: Game day Ticket Seller
Status: Part Time

Primarily responsible for the processing of single ticket sales and distribution of Will Call tickets to patrons of Park. Often the first team representative to greet fans, ticket sellers must possess superior customer service skills in order to provide a positive first impression to patrons entering Park. 

Um, wow. Ticket Seller? That title sounds like a 4 year old made it up. Something they would assume the cashier at the movies is called. "Mommy, we need to visit the Ticket Seller". Yeah. That stupid. A pathetic attempt to mask a pathetic job.

Anyway, confronted with vague, ultra specific, and conflicting job descriptions, I am calling it a day for now. Anthony can have his personal assistant back after I have a visit with Dr Jack and Professor Daniels. Whew.

Making the AZ shooting of Congresswoman Giffords about Sarah Palin and Fox News is disgraceful.

 
Do I think the "crosshairs map" from Sarah Palin's campaigning was in poor taste? You betcha. Do I think it incited this shooter? NO FRICKEN WAY!

First of all, acting as if Sarah Palin invented poor choices in words is beyond ridiculous. Lots of people have used really bad metaphors in trying to get others motivated for their cause. (and lets not even start on Hollywood who glamorizes assassinations - protect your precious celebrities!) Who hasn't said, "rally the troops"? Does that mean I am inciting people to pick up weapons and go on a rampage? Please, it's a fricken metaphor. 

Then it was the rush to blame conservative news outlets. Have any of you idiots even watched Glenn Beck? The man bursts into tears OFTEN, then talks about the founding fathers and ALWAYS denounces violence as a means to get heard. I've reviewed his most recent transcripts, and have viewed one or two of his shows around election time (I was bored). It's a soap opera of a history lesson and anecdotes. Bill O'Reilly? He's a pretty fair guy. Usually presents opposing views and then whips up the "you decide"!

You know what's really sad? On Saturday as this goes down, Fox News broadcast updates with minimal, if any, speculation into WHY this psycho did this. I went to MSNBC to see if they had more updates than Fox, and guess what? Already pinning it on the conservatives. Instead of mourning the losses, they already had the finger pointed. Didn't even print the facts like, this person lists one of his favorite books as communist manifesto... Please show me ONE conservative who even tolerates that book. Oh, or how about the fact that he's pissed off having to pay for school? In his YouTube videos, he was thought education was a free right. Something that recently, Glenn Beck and Rushie have been AGAINST. Look at this person's track record in general! He likely wasn't even pissed off at Congresswoman Giffords for a real political reason. He thought she was unintelligent and was really upset about literacy. Hello? I don't think this guy is a liberal either. I'm smart enough to understand a mentally unstable person from someone who's involved in politics. Are you?

My point is, the very biased liberal sheriff in Pima County has started a firestorm. Pointing a finger at people, whoa) like Gabby Giffords and b) haven't done anything but exercise their first amendment in a legal and non threatening way, is making this event about the wrong thing. People DIED. And the first thing you want to do is incriminate Sarah Palin who's not the brightest bulb, my grandparents and the TEA party movement, and Fox News? Watch Fox News. Seriously. Watch it objectively and fact check it. I DARE YOU.

Until then, please mourn the losses and stop blaming innocent people for something they are just as horrified and sad about. Blame the shooter because that's who pulled the trigger.

Why $5 a gallon (high gas price) is always bad for America and why greenies have this one wrong.

 
From Ford.com - The Beautiful Fusion Hybrid

In 2012, gas prices could be $5 per gallon. At least according to a former Shell oil exec. The familiar doomsday oil price scare works whenever crude prices shoot up, as they are doing now. Shortly after the price fears are broadcast, the greenies come in with their cheers on how this is "good" for America. Really? It's "good"?

Sure, there are more and more gasoline sipping cars and even electric alternatives available. The downside? Middle class families cannot afford them. Even the cheap 40 mpg Ford Fiesta (it's pretty awesome though) comes with a bit of fine print. Only the manual version is that efficient, the "loaded" models are even less efficient, and it only seats 2 adults and 2 kids reasonably. For those of us with things and people to move, it's just not an option. Not to mention, not everyone can afford a brand new car payment with the increases in insurance that generally go with it. Sure, some of us have big SUVs. When it snows big time, as it has in about a 1/3 of the country so far this season, our big cars are safer. When we're in an accident with another larger vehicle, our odds of survival are better. In order to reap the safety benefits in a hybrid, you would need a mid-size or larger-size sedan like a Ford Fusion (which is an AMAZING car I wish I could afford). The issue? That hybrid starts in the lower to mid $30,000 range and costs more to insure than the regular Fusion. However, if you can afford it, it's GORGEOUS!

Last time gas prices shot up past $4 a gallon, it was an economic disaster. Everything from airline travel to food became more expensive. It likely turned what would have been a recession into a full blown depression. So why do some people think this is good? Because they think that by putting families into economic crisis, investors will be motivated to come up with new technology to reduce dependence on gasoline. Except that generally, it's not sweeping technology that hits all the industries that use gas. Airplanes still require crude. Many products we use require it too. And of course, our current vehicles most likely require it. Which means, if you're rich enough to afford that adaptation, this is a "good" thing. For the rest of us, I guess we'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Unfortunately, while I support green technologies, I cannot stand behind the economics of encouraging high gas prices. After all, I have a budget that's already affected by fuel prices. When green technology becomes AFFORDABLE for people like me (middle class), I will happily convert.

Spencer Reiss says in his article, "every extra penny you spend at the pump is an incentive for some aspiring energy mogul to find another fuel."

Well, Spence, I am sad that you are so entertained by hurting the middle class financially in nearly 10% unemployment. Apparently you didn't have your eyes on Houston, TX the last time prices went above $4 a gallon. What was once a city filled with jobs experienced MASSIVE layoffs. I'm glad you weren't in the trucking industry when you just barely broke even, making below minimum wage.

Pardon my French, but people cheering high gas prices are...

ASSHOLES.

 

SoCal's Pineapple Express problem doesn't seem to involve weed or James Franco.

 
Rain. Pineapple Express is a rainfall pattern... Not the rare variety of weed that James Franco's character sold, but rain. Among the LA cries of "End Times" and "Global Warming" come actual facts about this bizarre weather pattern Los Angeles is in. Of course I was intrigued. Who doesn't love a good weather anomaly? (Minus any ensuing tragic deaths of course)

Right now, the normally bone-dry SoCal region is being inundated with typical Houston-esque type rains. It's as if a hurricane came to LA and all it left was the rain. Why call this the Pineapple Express? Probably because it involves Hawaii and it's riding the jet stream. Apparently, this happens every few decades and scares the heck out of Californians. Since the day I was born, California has literally been on the brink of total disaster so I'm rather immune to the "horror" of the disaster du jour. More or less, I am scientifically curious about how this all plays out. After all, living in several different "swamps", I have no idea why rain would scare the heck out of people.

Then again, I usually see rain on average, once a week. Not once a year or once a month.

*Interesting note, in Pineapple Express, there's a weather pattern referenced about how the weed is grown. I now have to go back and watch the movie to see if it's the weather phenomenon occurring now!

Just give me the darn tax cut already! Why Congress should just pass the cuts.

 
Ever feel like the politicians don't care about you? They don't.

Some people don't seem all too concerned about the upcoming tax cuts expiring. Politics aside, they feel there's a lot of "deficit" talk and allowing the tax cuts to expire would 'settle' that. Well, if we're going that route... Pursuing non-filers and under-payers would also fill that gap in by half each year. Why jack up my taxes when others run away with 350 billion dollars a year in illegal deductions or refusal to file? Or better yet, what about they illegals who work under the table. Legalization aside, why jack up my taxes when these people don't have to pay or abide by the law? Deficits can't be reduced just by increasing taxes in a recession. If anything, claim major economists, increasing taxes will damage the already weak economy.

In the infamous words of the President, "LETS BE CLEAR..."

Let's be clear. This will be a tax increase simply because it increases what you are paying to the federal government year over year. Most of the young people who voted Obama in do not remember what the tax brackets looked like pre-Bush tax cuts. (Please, please take a look for yourself and see that the cuts affected everyone the lower-middle class the most!) So it's pretty easy to insist they are "no big deal". Actually, they are a big deal. For the average $30,000 earning person, they are a HUGE $1,000+ deal. Think about your bills. How close do you cut it each month? Does every little bit really count for you, or could you sacrifice a couple hundred dollars each paycheck and not notice. Would you want to for the supposed greater good of the country even if it puts you in a more financially strained position?

These tax cuts mean a lot to everyone. It's so easy to get caught on a side in this political game. But think about this, what does the upcoming expiration mean for your paycheck in 2011? For my family, it means $157.69 each paycheck. And that? Is not something I can easily "afford" with gas prices going up and food prices increasing rapidly.

What does that mean? It means I stop eating out. *This affects the servers who would receive a tip from me. It means I purchase less and only when it's heavily reduced. *This affects the profit margins and employment of the entire retail sector. It means that I might not use a tax preparer or get a haircut at a salon. *Adversely affecting the service sector. Let's say that 100 million tax payers each lose $150 per paycheck to taxes... At 15 BILLION per paycheck and 390 billion a year out of the economy, how many jobs would that affect? Lets say 50% of that has a direct impact on jobs and each job is worth 35,000 a year. That's a loss of 5,571,429 JOBS! FIVE AND A HALF MILLION JOBS! Which means 5.5 million more on unemployment, which means that the deficit increases.

Maybe it's time for bloggers, internet dwellers, and young people to stop being amateur politicians and start being economists. Taxes, economy, unemployment, and your way of life are not a (D) or (R) issue. It's an American issue. Use your voice for that right now. There'll be time later for the (D) and (R) battles.

In my next post, I will list 700 billion dollars in annual government spending cuts the government can use to "pay" for these cuts. Even though, technically, these cuts don't need to be paid for since not cutting them could result in more unemployment which cost the federal revenue bottom line dearly.

Moving into my new old apartment is the perfect time to get really uber sick.

 
"Welcome to my place... It needs paint, another cleaning, some art on the walls, better lighting... so, don't judge. Kay?" 

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think I am pretty ill. While moving our stuff into our new/old apartment (it's like 100 years old), I had a pretty severe asthma attack and I think I have what's commonly referred to as a fever right now. Something is definitely up. I mean sure, I did wear short sleeves and flip flops on a below freezing night to move 2 different loads of crap to our new place... But that doesn't make you sick, germs make you sick! Right?

Wrong. About nine boxes into the "single-box-on-the-flight-of-stairs" shuffle, I started wheezing like I had been smoking for the last ten years. That resulted in me working faster so I wouldn't have to wheeze all night. Taking shortcuts like putting everything into the kitchen, sitting on the chaise in the living room for five minute periods, and acting weak in front of the macho husband only got me so far. Still, I wheezed and wheezed. Around 1:30AM or so, the wheezing was so bad that I decided maybe I should get a "rescue inhaler" from CVS. My wonderful husband, who apparently wants me to LIVE, rushed me down the street to purchase my $20 life-saving device...

Which, by the way, is being discontinued for CFC's in 2011!!! I'm sorry, when did my immediate need to breathe take a backseat to the EPA? Um, hello? We inhale the CFC's! Surely, we could ask countries who still use the CFC stuff to stop before we cut off asthmatics, right?

-Anyway, on the upside, the crap is transferred and I am ready to commence breathing.

On the downside, I may or may not have asthma, I have a suspicious fever, and I feel kind of like crap. Oh yeah, and there was no hot water this morning. And, I may or may not be in life-threatening danger.

But we're moved in. (Hooray)

How to Survive Black Friday Shopping and Still get Deals.

 

I've taken the early morning, wait-in-line-for-hours-wearing-Depends plunge once. And based on that experience, I consider myself an expert. I have also been a retail employee for Black Friday... Once. Again, this does make me an expert. Here's your survival guide for Black Friday guaranteed to get you deals and in some cases, guaranteed to create a dignity deficit in your life. You can approach Black Friday one of three ways:

The Black Friday Ninja Warrior of Doom - 98% Chance of Survival

The BFNWoD is an expert at getting that golden cow of Black Friday deals. You know, the laptop for $50 or the 40" TV for $100? To achieve this status and accomplish the goal of grabbing deals so unreal the items are limited by 2 for the region, you need to prepare as follows.

Park your tent and sleeping bags outside the store of choice on Wednesday. Choose wisely because all your best "booty" will come from this store. Turkey dinner, if you are so weak that you need one, will have to be delivered by a trusted family member.

Better stock up on depends. Giving up a place in line to use the bathroom is a classic rookie mistake. If you are a coward, you may try tag teaming another family member for bathroom breaks. Careful, technically you aren't in line if someone else "holds your place". This could lead to a riot.

Nothing short of full body armor will do. Stampedes are common for the best deals and what good does a broken arm do you when you need both arms to push people aside? Hockey masks, football pads, sports cups are all mandatory. Feel stupid? Your junk won't!

The Power Mom "Manipulation Master" - 85% Chance of Survival

True Power Moms know how to Manipulate. They come in with a game plan, an argument prepared, and will annoy anyone who stands in their way. In order to pull this off, you have to be ready to go all Sarah Palin on sales associates. No, that does not mean shoot them from a helicopter! That means accent and all, you know that fine print.

You still need to line up early in the AM, but you know better. Just 3-4 hours before the store opens and avoid fluids for 8 hours prior. You'll use the potty before you leave the house and wear the forgiving leggings and sweater rather than the usual mom jeans. Handwritten list and sales ad in hand, you know what to pick up for everyone in your family.

You'll visit several stores today and have memorized minimum stock, rebates, door busters, and hourly sales. Item substitutions, rain checks and the "let me speak to your manager" weapons are all ready for deployment. Your no nonsense eighties up-do reflects your "take no prisoners" attitude. Your day will end around 8pm after the last special sale ends. You'll have knocked out everyone on your list, started a fight with a few managers, and spent $5,000 before the day is through.

Be rude to every other shopper. Remember, they are the competition and whose family matters nearly as much as yours? Jacob is getting his XBox, you don't give a flying cupcake who has cancer.

The Rachel Strategy - 99.999999% Chance of Survival

This is the best strategy to date. You can still shop Black Friday, but it's the best possible outcome for your wallet and health. Masters of this plan must possess a strong sense of logic and understand economics. Also, it doesn't hurt to be adorable, talk too much, or think you're better than the chumps suckered into Black Friday.

You're interested enough to get black friday deals. At about 5am, open several internet windows, rapidly purchase your items, and have them shipped to a location you will be throughout the following week. Whatever you miss, you'll get Cyber Monday. Then you put your laptop down and roll over back to sleep until around 11am.

When you wake, waffles sound great so you and the fam eat some delicious waffles and drink hot chocolate. Your kids suggest putting chocolate ice cream on the waffles and it sounds fantastic. Once the kids are on their sugar high, send them outside to romp while you stretch out on the couch to watch holiday specials in your super cute Kermit slippers.

Around 6 or 7 (PM), decide to go out "shopping" but in reality it would be entertaining to laugh at people who are exhausted after a day of torture. You chuckle, because you know how useless that all is. You saved money, you stayed home, and UPS is literally doing all the heavy lifting. Sure, you didn't get that $200 television. That's because it was an off brand and in a few weeks, you can go to Best Buy and talk them down on an open-box 55" LED. Plus, they usually throw in the warranty.

...

As you can see, there are many options.

Obviously mine is superior.

I'm sorry, I can't seem to find this "economic recovery"...

Anthony still doesn't have a new, improved job just yet. It's been nearly nine months of full time searching. I keep hearing this "oh the economy is recovering", yet cannot see it. I'm hoping the recovery isn't like Santa Claus. Where many people believe it exists, but it's actually just your parents stuffing gifts under your tree.

One of Anthony's rejection letters showed me just how smug employers have gotten....

Dear Andrew,

 
Thank you for applying for the position of Database Administrator at XXXXX. While you have impressive credentials, we hired another individual whose background and qualifications were better suited for our needs.  Thank you for your interest and best of luck on your job search.
 
Sincerely,
XXXXXX

Chief Executive Officer

Dear Andrew? Okay, now you aren't even trying. Guess "Andrew" will have to keep working with Radioshack for the time being. His job usually means no time off, no wife time, and no happiness but...

This weekend, Anthony managed to get off work for more than five minutes so we could go to church, eat Sunday dinner, and enjoy the awesome-ness that is the Ikea as-is section. After all, in 3 weeks, we're moving and still have nothing more than a few odds and ends. I'm even willing to take ugly furniture, because I know all about paint and the power of Home Depot. Even still, you'd think there would be some low prices to be had after the "depression recession". Nope, not that many that I could see. At least I still got to shop with Anthony and let him use his bargain buying skills to score use a super cute chaise.

 

Buddy Lector. A Truly Disturbed, Plotting, Evil Little Dog.

 
"Wut ees zees? I poop! I poop on zee floor!"

My mom has this dog she picked up from the shelter. Buddy. He’s this crazy, possibly French, a-hole who is all nice to your face but eats your throw pillows in defiance. Somehow, my mother totally adores this dog. So does my sister, at least when she can dress him up as a princess. Buddy loves them too, in a sick stalker-like obsessive manner. Yes, Buddy OWNS them and anyone else willing to visit. Most of the time, I cannot tell if Buddy wants to kiss you or bite your face off. It really seems like that can go either way. Buddy can be the sweetest little puppy, until you cross him. Then you must pay.

Pay for what? According to Buddy, having another dog in the house is grounds for him to straight up pee on mom. And he will. “How dare you bring zees other dog een my howse?” It’s like she personally slapped Buddy in zee face. Imagine my mother’s shock as Buddy hiked up his leg! Very territorial this little French dog is. If you so much as break one of his imaginary rules, it’s over. Your stuff, all your personal belongings, is toast. There’s no amount of fecal matter he won’t roll in to make his point. I assure you, it’s intentional and super gag-tastic.

And Buddy? He doesn’t like you dating either. Lately, his calling card has been to make a poop trail from the hallway to the door so you know you’ve crossed him. Quite literally, CROSSED HIM. My mother, of course, is so terribly embarrassed. Buddy doesn’t like when she has people over of any sort. It’s not his thing. Two people live in that house, no other people should be there. My mother has parties anyway and puts him in another room. Buddy does not take this lying down. It’s on. He will simply void his entire digestive system onto her bed and roll in it. Oh, you put him in zee cage? He will roll around in zee poop in his cage. Have to let him out sometime…

Buddy is always plotting. Sure, today he is happy and cuddly. Tomorrow, he has something very special if a new friend is introduced to zee howse. Buddy wants everyone to know, my mom and my sister, are HIS pets. You can’t be bringing another pet, male, stuffed animal, plastic frog, or fake fur blanket into his world. Don’t even think about ignoring him. Don’t even try to change around the furniture. It’s Buddy’s house, no WORLD, and you just live in it! Crossing Buddy is a scene from Amityville Horror. There’s no amount of “dog whispering” you can do.

Buddy is watching you.

My Deer-est Childhood Memories: My mom hunting and harassing.

 
 
There's this book, Twitter feed, and show about "shit my dad says" (mom, that is LITERALLY what it's called). That's all fine and dandy, but none of it can hold a candle to "shit my mom does" (mom, calm down, it's not the Lord's name in vain and it's better than me writing about "shit pop pop says"). Seriously, my mother could be a one woman sitcom or movie. If you think women who love Jesus are boring, you haven't met my mom. Sure, she tends to get "filled with the spirit" and could cry at church (often) but at home, it's all laughs. Either way, boring is out of the equation.

My mom is hilarious. If you are ever so lucky as to meet her, you will remember one thing, she's a riot. One time, I invited a boy over for dinner (stop laughing, I remember his name) and my mother made a 100% home cooked meal. Bread - from scratch. Potatoes - Scratch. Raspberry Jam - SCRATCH. My mom thought she was PG County's Laura Ingalls. Makes sense given we lived in PG County's last scrap of actual farm land (77 acres in the middle of a concrete jungle). So, boy from middle school (one of two I "dated" at the time) comes over to feast. He gets to that Raspberry Jam and declares "WHEW, I am AWAKE now!" BIG MISTAKE! Boy thinks the jam is too sweet and my mother immediately takes theatrical offense to this deciding she's not a fan of this boy. (She also doesn't like a boy she called "HEFFER" because he refused to "go out" with me damaging my swagga a bit) All night, she dramatically brings up how he "hates" her homemade Raspberry Jam. How her feelings are really hurt because most mothers consider scratch opening up the Kraft mac and cheese box. After all, she made that special meal to honor him, our special guest (it was...special).  He's clearly uncomfortable (but still is one of my 2 dates to 8th grade prom - SWAGGA RECOVERED) throughout the night and seriously thinks he's offended my mom beyond repair (yes, over homemade jam). This sets the stage for my mother to later arm wrestle a high school boyfriend (and win) in attempts to put them in increasingly awkward situations. I never dared to bring a boy to my dad, I didn't want them to be shot. So, my mother's antics were the preferred situation.

One night in particular, my mother brings on the hilarity when returning home from visiting friends. She's on a back road, a byway of sorts, that's got a speed limit of 50 (probably reduced by now because it's a back road...socialists). It's very late for us, nearly midnight, and my mother is going about 70 in the fog. Recently, I had just taken driver's ed and decided to showcase my skills.

"Mom, you're going 70", I say in that snotty I-am-always-right voice (*because I AM). Mom is leaning forward in her seat, eyes as wide as saucers, staring at the foggy road in front of her.

"Yes, Rachel I know. I know the road." my mom says as she edges forward more in her seat. It's not that I am nervous, my mom's catlike reflexes have saved our lives in an accident before. I just want to show off my insanely good grasp of driving safety.

"Are your high beams on?!?!" I ask incredulously.

"Yes... So I can see, Rachel." My mother declares. Waiting for the realization of the situation...

"So it's late at night, very foggy, deer season, and you are speeding down a wooded back road at 70 mph WITH YOUR HIGH BEAMS ON?!?!" I summarize in that condescending teenage fashion. My mother is a saint for NOT punching me in the face.

"I'm hunting for deer" she replies casually.

My mother has now shed "saint" and replaced it with "SUPER AWESOME", because that is legendary. Perfect delivery mom. That happened when I was 15/16, at 26, I can still tell that story and have people laughing. What's even better is, my mother "hunts for deer" in her typical Forest Green Dodge minivan. Those who thought she was an average soccer mom, have another thing coming. That Dodge would HAUL. I'm pretty sure my mother still drives like a teenage boy, but that's cool. It's part of her charm.

Guess what, "Shit my dad says"? Your franchise is in trouble.