Rachel: Contributing to Social Decline since 1984

Making the AZ shooting of Congresswoman Giffords about Sarah Palin and Fox News is disgraceful.

 
Do I think the "crosshairs map" from Sarah Palin's campaigning was in poor taste? You betcha. Do I think it incited this shooter? NO FRICKEN WAY!

First of all, acting as if Sarah Palin invented poor choices in words is beyond ridiculous. Lots of people have used really bad metaphors in trying to get others motivated for their cause. (and lets not even start on Hollywood who glamorizes assassinations - protect your precious celebrities!) Who hasn't said, "rally the troops"? Does that mean I am inciting people to pick up weapons and go on a rampage? Please, it's a fricken metaphor. 

Then it was the rush to blame conservative news outlets. Have any of you idiots even watched Glenn Beck? The man bursts into tears OFTEN, then talks about the founding fathers and ALWAYS denounces violence as a means to get heard. I've reviewed his most recent transcripts, and have viewed one or two of his shows around election time (I was bored). It's a soap opera of a history lesson and anecdotes. Bill O'Reilly? He's a pretty fair guy. Usually presents opposing views and then whips up the "you decide"!

You know what's really sad? On Saturday as this goes down, Fox News broadcast updates with minimal, if any, speculation into WHY this psycho did this. I went to MSNBC to see if they had more updates than Fox, and guess what? Already pinning it on the conservatives. Instead of mourning the losses, they already had the finger pointed. Didn't even print the facts like, this person lists one of his favorite books as communist manifesto... Please show me ONE conservative who even tolerates that book. Oh, or how about the fact that he's pissed off having to pay for school? In his YouTube videos, he was thought education was a free right. Something that recently, Glenn Beck and Rushie have been AGAINST. Look at this person's track record in general! He likely wasn't even pissed off at Congresswoman Giffords for a real political reason. He thought she was unintelligent and was really upset about literacy. Hello? I don't think this guy is a liberal either. I'm smart enough to understand a mentally unstable person from someone who's involved in politics. Are you?

My point is, the very biased liberal sheriff in Pima County has started a firestorm. Pointing a finger at people, whoa) like Gabby Giffords and b) haven't done anything but exercise their first amendment in a legal and non threatening way, is making this event about the wrong thing. People DIED. And the first thing you want to do is incriminate Sarah Palin who's not the brightest bulb, my grandparents and the TEA party movement, and Fox News? Watch Fox News. Seriously. Watch it objectively and fact check it. I DARE YOU.

Until then, please mourn the losses and stop blaming innocent people for something they are just as horrified and sad about. Blame the shooter because that's who pulled the trigger.

How to Survive Black Friday Shopping and Still get Deals.

 

I've taken the early morning, wait-in-line-for-hours-wearing-Depends plunge once. And based on that experience, I consider myself an expert. I have also been a retail employee for Black Friday... Once. Again, this does make me an expert. Here's your survival guide for Black Friday guaranteed to get you deals and in some cases, guaranteed to create a dignity deficit in your life. You can approach Black Friday one of three ways:

The Black Friday Ninja Warrior of Doom - 98% Chance of Survival

The BFNWoD is an expert at getting that golden cow of Black Friday deals. You know, the laptop for $50 or the 40" TV for $100? To achieve this status and accomplish the goal of grabbing deals so unreal the items are limited by 2 for the region, you need to prepare as follows.

Park your tent and sleeping bags outside the store of choice on Wednesday. Choose wisely because all your best "booty" will come from this store. Turkey dinner, if you are so weak that you need one, will have to be delivered by a trusted family member.

Better stock up on depends. Giving up a place in line to use the bathroom is a classic rookie mistake. If you are a coward, you may try tag teaming another family member for bathroom breaks. Careful, technically you aren't in line if someone else "holds your place". This could lead to a riot.

Nothing short of full body armor will do. Stampedes are common for the best deals and what good does a broken arm do you when you need both arms to push people aside? Hockey masks, football pads, sports cups are all mandatory. Feel stupid? Your junk won't!

The Power Mom "Manipulation Master" - 85% Chance of Survival

True Power Moms know how to Manipulate. They come in with a game plan, an argument prepared, and will annoy anyone who stands in their way. In order to pull this off, you have to be ready to go all Sarah Palin on sales associates. No, that does not mean shoot them from a helicopter! That means accent and all, you know that fine print.

You still need to line up early in the AM, but you know better. Just 3-4 hours before the store opens and avoid fluids for 8 hours prior. You'll use the potty before you leave the house and wear the forgiving leggings and sweater rather than the usual mom jeans. Handwritten list and sales ad in hand, you know what to pick up for everyone in your family.

You'll visit several stores today and have memorized minimum stock, rebates, door busters, and hourly sales. Item substitutions, rain checks and the "let me speak to your manager" weapons are all ready for deployment. Your no nonsense eighties up-do reflects your "take no prisoners" attitude. Your day will end around 8pm after the last special sale ends. You'll have knocked out everyone on your list, started a fight with a few managers, and spent $5,000 before the day is through.

Be rude to every other shopper. Remember, they are the competition and whose family matters nearly as much as yours? Jacob is getting his XBox, you don't give a flying cupcake who has cancer.

The Rachel Strategy - 99.999999% Chance of Survival

This is the best strategy to date. You can still shop Black Friday, but it's the best possible outcome for your wallet and health. Masters of this plan must possess a strong sense of logic and understand economics. Also, it doesn't hurt to be adorable, talk too much, or think you're better than the chumps suckered into Black Friday.

You're interested enough to get black friday deals. At about 5am, open several internet windows, rapidly purchase your items, and have them shipped to a location you will be throughout the following week. Whatever you miss, you'll get Cyber Monday. Then you put your laptop down and roll over back to sleep until around 11am.

When you wake, waffles sound great so you and the fam eat some delicious waffles and drink hot chocolate. Your kids suggest putting chocolate ice cream on the waffles and it sounds fantastic. Once the kids are on their sugar high, send them outside to romp while you stretch out on the couch to watch holiday specials in your super cute Kermit slippers.

Around 6 or 7 (PM), decide to go out "shopping" but in reality it would be entertaining to laugh at people who are exhausted after a day of torture. You chuckle, because you know how useless that all is. You saved money, you stayed home, and UPS is literally doing all the heavy lifting. Sure, you didn't get that $200 television. That's because it was an off brand and in a few weeks, you can go to Best Buy and talk them down on an open-box 55" LED. Plus, they usually throw in the warranty.

...

As you can see, there are many options.

Obviously mine is superior.

Thanksgiving Powerpoint. Thank you, Microsoft.

Some people are so annoying about presentation. Fold the napkins right, OR I WILL SMACK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!!! Heaving forbid you not plan a proper menu in the appropriate font. COMIC SANS IS DISGUSTING! (Seriously, I once read that people who use comic sans are illiterate. Okay, I didn't. But it seems plausible, right?) When will these nutcases let go?

Never. Okay? Live with it. So I like linen napkins and festive menus. Get over it. You know what? The world needs people like me, just like the world needs Thanksgiving. And so, I give you this:

THE THANKSGIVING DAY POWERPOINT (Draft 1.035 of course)

 

Note: Yes, it's layered and the animations take care of that. Also, note the play on "thank-full". You're welcome. Always open strong.

 
Note: It's important to ensure that everyone understands the purpose of the holiday. Be sure to back up your reasons with supporting arguments if needed. This is where the notes section really helps.

 
Note: You see how I separated church and state? Thanks to the comparison lay-out, you can be sure that you don't  enrage one of your PC friends. And notice that while I clearly show a bias, I do it in a nice way. Can one argue against praying for Barack Obama? Exactly.

 
Note: Teasers are fantastic ways to draw them back in. If you find your audience sleeping, insert a jolting sound, such as a scream. That will teach them to pay attention to your presentations.

 
Note: Using a fashionable "in and out" comparison shows that any ideas besides yours... Really suck. They are "out".

Now I had more slides, but I just realized that I need to create a presentation for moving into our new apartment. So, you can savor the Powerpoint goodness I gave you here and perhaps consider a template of your own to annoy relatives and friends with this holiday season.

Remember:

"Don't make a mockery of Thanksgiving by eating microwave pizza."

 

The world doesn't make sense today. Why I am checking out of fantasy football.

What the heck is going on? I have one player that isn't playing for who knows what reason, Kyle Orton's ONE week to give me SOMETHING, and everything is so far gone, I pretty much will not recover. So much for playoffs in the league. It's like whenever I play someone, they have the best fantasy week ever. The week following their encounter with me, they resume their mediocre points earning behaviors. Anger. So. Much. Anger.

So, it's not just me crying today. Here's a few, WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE moments from Sunday football and the week ain't over yet.

First of all, since when do the Browns defeat the Super Bowl champs, the Saints? Has the world gone mad? Drew Brees, were you pitching the ball to the Brown's D? Either way, the Saints got the ultimate insult. Being beat by the Browns.

Second of all the Oakland game is too disgusting to watch. It's not even over but Oakland is 59-14 over the Broncos... Guess who has 4 Broncos on her fantasy team? The one week Kyle Orton decides to suck the most he has all season, he had to do on Peyton Manning's bye week so I could hate life.

Well, since week 7 NFL is the worst week ever for me, I think I am going to play some video games and down a bottle of wine. It's no longer exciting when you spend watching each game confused and frustrated.

Dear Landlord, Your maintenance guy is still harassing me.

Dear Landlord Management Whatever you are,

Not only are your apartments the worst place I have ever lived in (and am leaving as soon as I fulfill my agreement to my brother in law), but your illiterate maintenance man is the most inappropriate person I have ever met. Not only has he nearly hit my car on a public street (see the police report) to yell at me because of my license plates, but he's consistently on my family for things that are none of your business.

Number one, my husband tried to unload his car and clean his windows in the parking lot. Allen, you deranged maintenance person, decides that's "not fair to other residents". Oh really? You mean the section 8 residents who are living off both my tax dollars and our payment of the FULL rental fee? Not fair to THEM? I'm sure they would disagree given that they benefit from people like me. Also, they take the liberty to do the same thing, so by blocking my husband from wiping a couple of windows, you are being unfair to us. Big fricken surprise, right?

Also, your maintenance man is a total NAZI. What other insane psycho could freak out about people opening windows when other residents crank up the heat to 119 degrees? My apartment, my window. The only luxury (SERIOUSLY ONLY) that I ever take in this piece of crap property is opening the fricken windows.

I don't care what your title is, allegedly it's actually MANAGER, this guy is nothing but a glorified handyman. It's clear he has no interest in being a normal human being as he stomps around the property being an a-hole. All he does is "fix" things (poorly) and works on the lawn. Oh, and he likes to pretend he's a cop and/or tax collector. My car is currently registered and this guy is bullying me about my property taxes... I'm selling it for one and for two, that's between me and the tax collector. NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

Look, I'm leaving soon enough. It's a shame some of these residents are so poor they cannot afford to get out of this place. But... Allen needs therapy. Immediately. Before he flies off the handle and gets your management company in real trouble.

Sincerely,

The resident who wants to be left alone.

Psychos? Mine lives upstairs. Should I leave a passive aggressive note?

I have a psycho in my apartment building. She's living right above our unit. Each night, she jogs, stomps, runs, builds things with small power tools (NONE of this is exaggerated. Sadly.).... She's just LOUD. It's impossible to sleep through her excessive movements and I am a heavy sleeper. Sometimes I hear her throughout the day too.It interrupts me even on the phone.

Me on the phone: "Yeah, that's no problem. I -"

BANG BANG BANG! STOMP STOMP STOMP! THUD!!!

Me on the phone: "Oh. Sorry... No, I am not at a construction site.... No, I'm sorry, there's not a quiter part of the building I can go to.... Uh uh... the bathrooms even louder... Yeah, sound must travel through the pipes."

It's not just phone calls. If it were, that wouldn't be a big deal. Well it WOULD be but not as much as what it is now. It's like my entire life needs those weird foamy earplugs. Take an average night:

11:00pm - Tucking self in... (THUD...BANG BANG BANG....[running]...CRASH!)

12:00am - zzzzZZZZzzzz - BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG (I sit up, freak out, go back to bed)

2:30am - zzzzZZZZzzzzz- THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP... [rapid banging] (I sit up, contemplate going upstairs to give crazy person the business, decide to wake up Anthony instead) "We have to move, honey" Anthony: mmmhhhmmmm...[snore]

5:00am - zzzzzZZZZZzzz - [heavy running] CRASH... (I scream into my pillow)

7:00am - wake up after hitting "snooze" 22 times.

Should I leave a note? Should I let this total psycho know how much she irritates me? I was thinking that at this point, I have no choice. It's gotten to the point where I dream of stabbing her in the neck. Everytime my son comes over, he tells me it's hard to sleep because of all the noise. Yesterday he zonked out midday because he couldn't sleep the night before. I still can't move just yet... So I am thinking snarky note would be perfect.

Dear Psychotic neighbor,

You are a disturbing human being. You either need a job or a concrete cell for an apartment.My guess is BOTH. It's so routine that you disturb my sleep, I expect that one day I might march up there to give you a piece of my mind. I can assure that won't be pretty. Nothing is more ugly than me, in my jammies, holding a stuffed sheep ready to rumble. Might I recommend you SLEEP at night? Oh, is that something you struggle with? Try tylenol PM, alcohol, or Ambien. If all else fails, try not taking everyone else down with you. I have a job, a long drive to get to said job, and typically these have to be accomplished while alert. I can't be alert when I hear you running a marathon in your tiny little apartment. Our floors are thin. I can hear all the crazy things you do at night, such as streaking across your mansion of 700 sq feet. In case you weren't aware, your apartment is not large. No reason to run constantly. A snail could make it end to end in about a minute 30. Okay? So STFU and sleep, you psychotic cow.

Sincerely,

Rachel. The sane person with a life.

Yeah that's the ticket. A snarky note.

FYI - Operation: WE'RE FREAKING MOVING is ON!

Election season FAIL. Ortiz for Congress gets lost in "Fax Translation". Hilarity Ensues.

 
This blast fax from "Ortiz for Congress" is a Save the Date for literally nothing. Apparently we are "Cordially invited to join..." the state of Texas? Why thank you, I was just there three weeks ago at Whole Foods in Austin! Unless you are going to pay for my airfare and hotel, I am afraid I've joined Texas for as long as I can this fall. How about I cordially invite Texas to join me? After all, that would be more convenient (I believe we can make room for Texas if West VA would get off our jock).

What's up with the rogue 7 and N? Why is the N underlined? Is this a Sesame Street blast fax? "This democrat has been brought to you by the number 7 and the letter N." This conservative-ish girl gives you kudos for promoting literacy, but has some concerns about cryptic faxes. You want me to contribute, I got that part, but to what? I am unsure and this concerns me because suppose I am contributing to the "let teenagers drive early" campaign. I certainly cannot advocate for that, but on the other hand... Would happily donate to the "strip licenses from smug soccer moms who drive 20mph under the speed limit" campaign. Those smug women with their "baby on board" placards. As if that $2.95 piece of novelty plastic actually provides some protection against a car accident. How vain are you that you think a bunch of crazed drivers are going to target you for a fatal accident unless you make it clear your VIP infant is in the vehicle? I managed to have an infant without the sign and he grew into a wonderful, hyper first grader...

In all seriousness though, the democrats are trying to rally their base to get out there and vote. They are being, or so I thought, on guard to dot every i and cross every t. Except Ortiz in Texas (apparently he doesn't need presentation, he's got this election locked down). I Googled him, because frankly, it's not like he's a Senator. I had no clue who he is. Wrong party, wrong district. Of course he's in far South Texas... So yeah, given he's a Democrat named Ortiz, the election is pretty much a formality. This guy is going to win. That's not a racist implication because it's a solidly Hispanic district which is also pretty solid blue... Given the Republican opponent is "R Blake Farenthold", I would pick Ortiz too!Because R Blake Farenthold is a pretty Douche-Bag kind of name and definitely doesn't sound like he comes from South Texas (no, it sounds more like he comes from SNOBville). If you don't understand South Texas or it's culture, why should South Texas elect you?

(Yeah, it turns out "R Blake Farenthold" is a radio DJ for some talk station but he LOOKS like a wall street fat cat. Looks shouldn't matter, but they do. Especially when you look like a fat banker from the 1920's.)

However, Solomon Ortiz shouldn't rest on the fact that he's pretty much the winner. Either he has the worst blast-fax company ever or the worst campaign management in Washington DC ever. It doesn't look good. Compared to the 500 other faxes we got that actually made sense, Ortiz is definitely not someone I would have my eye on if I worked in PAC. Incidentally, I don't work in PAC because I have zero charisma and foot-in-mouth syndrome. I am (rightfully) stashed in some corner of the building where I can be weird without disturbing the cool kids. But if I wasn't, what motivation do I have to contribute to a campaign that isn't even organized enough to send out a coherent fax? Sure it added comedic value to our day here (and about 3 days of giggles for me), but the fax offered zero usable information.

In the end, it doesn't matter that Ortiz has clowns working for him. Which is a good thing. Because that means someday, there's a possibility people will elect me to Congress where I can argue and complain while getting paid. Unlike being a lawyer, where I have to make an intelligent argument, Congress can call Elmo to testify or a comedian to put on a show. My lack of substance or facts in some of my arguments wouldn't matter. And come campaign time, I just have to be a rockstar to my base and not have claimed to be a witch or against masturbation at one point (I'm looking at you, Christine O'Donnell). Or I could be like Nancy Pelosi and run in an area that's so one sided... I could be an evil, angry, crazy old woman to everyone and still get elected. Zing.

My personal politics aren't even relevant. Because they are boring. I am registered to vote. I will. And it won't be for Pelosi, O'Donnell, or Ortiz... Because... My district is in Northern VA and it's comparatively boring.

 

Is Urban Dictionary dumbing me down? Or is it just plain awesome?

 

If you are ever bored to the point where you'd consider inappropriately paging someone at work, try Urban Dictionary. Other than being down right offensive at times(see: Corn Packer), it's a load of fun. Sometimes I commit to using an Urban Dictionary word a day to make me sound cooler when I talk. It's gets less cute as I get further from my 21st birthday. However, I am concerned that it's making me dumber. I notice that I am becoming more and more obsessive over the Urban Dictionary words and using actual words less. (This probably surprises NO ONE)

Take for example, "snope". I friggen hate people who spout urban legends as fact. As if there really was some guy who forwarded a message to 1,000 people and now he's Bill Gates. When those come up in conversation, I am quick to threaten a "snope" because that person is "full of it". I snope everything these days from Linday Lohan's heroin addiction to G W Bush's draft dodge. And don't send me some BS email that claims that some guy found his long lost love after traveling through 50 countries blind, I will totally snope it.

Or last night, I had a bizarre dream about buying a new car and sticking it to my husband's ex girlfriend with my mad talents. Not only did she "get served" (another Urban Dictionary gem), but I noted in my dream she had an awful case of "Tanorexia" (true to life, she's working towards being a handbag). My dream was all about the Urban Dictionary terms I frequently use in life like "fake bake" or "social climber". Yes, they were all in reference to my husband's ex. Not that I care what she does in life, it's just my subconscious uses it as a way to pump me up and show how much I have accomplished. My subconscious likes to compare me to people who it thinks I surpass in some way. I am a bit ashamed of it because I am trying to be a better person and my subconscious should probably get on board with that. The fact that Urban Dictionary and shameless pop culture has taken over my subconscious concerns me. But it makes for better dreams than the old "falling to my death" or "showing up to work naked" (at least my subconscious makes sure I've waxed).

To my defense, we've been using Urban Dictionary grammar before the site even existed. My mom has been using the word "grody" since about 1992. I'll be honest, I wish Urban Dictionary would stick to pop culture terms and eliminate the names. Of course Nicole, Tiffany, and Hillary all think they're name should equate to awesome, hot and superior on Urban Dictionary, but the rest of us are so damn tired of hitting "random" and seeing names. If you're like me, you use "random" to find a lesser offensive term to throw around all day, making sure you note the actual definition. Nothing is more embarassing than throwing around a term (such as "blowfish") and not knowing the disgusting, face reddening meaning behind it.

Overall, Urban Dictionary has benefitted me at least in the sense that I got a couple of "look cool" moments out of it. The downside being that I use time that could be spent on learning something useful for being an adult. I suspect I am not the only person guilty of being addicted to slang and Urban Dictionary, but I am rapidly becoming the oldest.

Do yourself a favor, mom, please don't "Urban Dictionary" the terms I've used. It's for your own good.

Lindsay Lohan, you are likely the most referenced "train wreck" on Urban Dictionary as of late.

Living the Fabulous Glam life of a Jet Setter? Nope, just a fat girl on an airplane.

(source)

So, I got the opportunity of a lifetime, being a guest of Whole Foods at their celebration in Austin this weekend. If you are unaware, it's their 30th birthday. The event itself was the most fun anyone could have anywhere, however the travel getting to Austin? Something our friends at US Airways might want to look at.

No one will argue that flying is expensive without luxury, yes? That we all pay the costs of the fuel, wages, equipment, etc. I think that's fair. However, for the first time since Cattle Airlines (read: Southwest), I truly felt like I was on a bus going to rural Mexico. Sure, there were not livestock on my plane like there may be in rural anywhere, but that is about where the differences end. My flight was basically Washington-Charlotte-Austin. The standard, origin-HUB-destination set-up most airlines seem to have. I get it. We get on an Airbus A319 for the 50 minute flight to Charlotte and I am thinking, this isn't so bad. Sure the woman next to me is already snoring loudly and we haven't even left the airport yet, but whatever. While I certainly don't feel glamorous, I am comfortable within reason and there's seltzer water with ice. I tell Anthony that the A319's tend to feel "fast" on takeoff and it certainly doesn't let us down. Part of my brain is likely stuck to that seat, so please bring a hanky or something should you be on that plane following my flight.

Once we arrive in Charlotte, I feel better about this flying business... That is, until we are face to face with the Canadair 900 (CRJ-900) we are about to board. If you haven't had the pleasure, they are the El Camino of regional jets minus any cool factor you may attach to the El Camino. All my friends do notdrive low riders, and I am a little concerned about flying in one. The seats, oh those seats, are like sitting on a pile of bricks. I have bruises where the armrest stabbed me in my fat behind when I tried to maneuver in and out of them. I must say that the flight attendants were so lovely and attentive on this small shuttle/express airline despite the flying bus from the 80's we were all stuck on. They were a source of comfort for me as I observed the scratch marks in the vomit(?) stained seats. (Seriously, the damage on the seats screamed "LEAVE NOW!") The flight attendants were apologetic as we boarded the super hot aircraft from Hades that seriously needed air conditioning. That flight was surprisingly smooth, but I have residual dizziness for whatever reason.

 This was such a welcoming sight when we arrived.
 

After our wild and wonderful Whole Foods weekend (blog to follow), we arrive at Austin International ready for another up close and personal with the CRJ-900. I so wanted to like this airplane. After the airport alarm goes off randomly causing me to pee myself a little, a quick "are you a terrorist" check I always do pre-boarding, and a few observations of take off's and landing, I am ready to board the CRJ once again. Luckily, we're in the slightly less vomited in CRJ-900 and the flight attendants were still fabulous. There are dark clouds overhead as we take off and there is turbulence expected. The sensation of "falling" backward kept hitting me over and over as we climbed over the dark (and not forecasted) storm clouds. The plane was alive with friendly people that helped distract me while in the air at 37,000 feet. At one point though, I saw two guys enter the back restroom and front at the same time, both traveling alone, and I wondered how much of the explosion I would see before I died. They both did their business and went back to their seats... Pretty much in sync with one another... On an airplane that small, it was ODD. I said nothing because I didn't want to freak anyone else out. (In case it was a dry run, they were both middle aged, unhappy, and used just enough hair product to "blend in" with the cool crowd. Anyone can be a terrorist, even Ryan Seacrest wannabes.) After that imagined "brush with death", I watched that Geisha movie and waited to land.  

Finally, after a few bumps and dips, the plane begins to descend over Charlotte. As we land, there are fire trucks and police surrounding the gate next to ours. It's freaky. They offload us on the tarmac itself instead of those nice jet-ways I am used to. We used a jet-way before for CRJ-900, so this is unnerving given the police/fire/medic situation unfolding next to us. Not to mention the TSA agents escorting us to the terminal, made me wonder if there was something on that plane... In the terminal, flights are being canceled and rearranged. It's a PERFECT scenario for someone as afraid to fly as myself. Before we board the A319 back to home, I do my pre-terrorist check. I find a lot of things I am not too happy about. One would be the man in camo pants and military boots but a totally regular shirt and he has NO CARRY ONS. Not normal. Also, there's this guy using and international calling card in the phone booth next to me speaking in some foreign language and mocking "bye bye". I feel this is a terrorist mocking the infidels he wants to take out. However, he goes in the opposite direction of my flight's gate, so I breathe out. Anthony is shaking his head in embarrassment. He knows what is going on in my head, I've clued him into my terrorist check before. I sure know how to bring class to travel, don't I?

As if this traveling situation isn't bad enough, my husband spots some chick who works at the liquor store next to him sitting at our gate. He keeps saying that's someone he works near. I say it's not and to please quit staring at long legged and tan in a miniskirt before I castrate him. And what do you know? Long legged and tan IS that person my husband works near. She's on her way back from some tropical destination. On the plane she calls my husband by his nickname (that I thought only me and family used), and tells him she'll tell him all about it at work. Seriously, what kind of person wears a MINI skirt onto a plane? Yes, I know I wore 5 inch platforms, but at least I had on PANTS! When I realized that long legged and tan was laying down at the gate, I suddenly get the sick realization that Anthony was definitely staring. Which explains why he wasn't chastising me for terrorist watch or playing that stupid game on his phone.

Seething with anger and also really fricken nervous, I drag Anthony to the jet-way to get on the plane. The A319 we board is new (it says Star Alliance and it even smells new). As we take off we hit bumps, bumps, and more bumps. It's weird to me. Brand new plane, old plane turbulence. (And yes, I know that turbulence makes no discrimination between old and young airframes...) I furiously count the minutes of the flight. I look out the window deciding which city we're passing now. I note how misaligned window seat 12F is. It gives me broken views but the bonus of having part of the window behind me. Poor 13F doesn't appear to have a window. (Sucka! Should have Seatguru'd it!) As we take off super fast and bank super hard, I notice how much bumpier this flight is. And it stayed bumpy. All 54 agonizing minutes. As we land, I start to suck back in that sigh of relief when I notice cop cars speeding up the tarmac.... Um. Is that for us? Unsettling. I have no idea what was up yesterday, I probably don't want to know. I might have to fly JetBlue next time. I find I am likely not to notice this stuff so much when I have on headphones and am watching Saved by the Bell on TBS. Just saying.

Today's Lesson: US Airways would be wise to use A319's with In-flight entertainment if they want to have panicky passengers frequent them more.

Another piece of wisdom: Panicky passengers aren't ALWAYS easy to deal with, but you can count on them to notice everything. So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, US Airways.

Totally mindless lesson: There's nothing glamorous about traveling in a CRJ-900. No matter how much DKNY scent you use, you smell like super sweaty stink once you deplane.

Lesson for the Ladies: Never wear platforms on a plane. Should you have to deplane using stairs, it's really a bummer to fall down several of them at your connection.

JetBlue Flight Attendant: Screw you guys, I am going home!

Have you heard? Flight attendants are the new postal workers. Not exactly, it just so happens there was an incident of a flight attendant jumping ship, quite literally, after a confrontation with a passenger. People are all over this guy because he inflated the slide, jumped off the plane, and grabbed a beer on his way out. Not before cursing out the passenger who was being rude to him. At first glance, it appears the flight attendant was a loose cannon and all the town criers are likely screaming, "doesn't JetBlue background check"?

Look people, if the flight attendants allegations are correct, a passenger refused to wait to fetch his luggage. Then the passenger cursed out the flight attendant for making him mind FAA regulations. Also, somehow, because this passenger wouldn't calm down until the plane was safely stopped, the flight attendant got hit in the head. Assault, anyone? I don't care how ridiculous people think the flight attendant is, passengers need a lesson in manners. I totally blame the passengers in this case *unless more information is released to show the flight attendant was not provoked. Why? Because airline passengers are the worst people on the planet sometimes. Here's some of the things I personally have witnessed and I try to avoid flying.

* Random kids get up to use bathroom literally as the plane is lifting off scaring the heck out of passengers thinking he's a terrorist. I literally had conjured up a plan to burst into the bathroom and tackle him with my seat mate. Yeah, post 9/11 flying, it's a whole new ballgame.

* Mother with screaming child and people yelling at the flight attendants for it. It's not the flight attendant's fault mommy wasn't considerate enough to her child or the passengers to give her child something to induce sleep/drowsiness.

* Passengers yapping on their phones as we're lifting off and flight attendants risking their safety to ask them to hang up. So glad to know your pathetic middle management job is worth a plane loaded with passenger's safety.

* Flight attendants cleaning up someone who forgot their motion sickness medicine while the passenger complained about the crew. Someone give that woman a medal. It's bad enough she had to fly on a Fokker 100, but cleaning barf? Hello? HERO!

Flight attendants have to deal with some of the most narcissistic and annoying people. At the very least, people should grow up and fly right. Play by the rules or don't fly. This flight attendant tries to keep you in FAA regulation and you do what you want anyway? Get over yourself! You are not that important. You really aren't. If you were that important you wouldn't be flying commercial, now would you?

The passenger should be arrested for assault. Until that passenger is, the flight attendant in my opinion was justified. Stop abusing airline personnel! God forbid someone knock you off your high horse in the name of safety. Take this as a lesson in "Airline Passenger FAILS" and sit down until the plane comes to a complete stop.If I see your ass get up, I am sitting on you! SAFETY FIRST!

PS: This incident makes me want to fly JetBlue as much as possible. Go JetBlue!